Kenapa Teman Tiba-Tiba Menjauh (Social Animals) - This is for those who have felt betrayal. The heart-wrenching pain of losing a dear friend without any notice. For that one person in your life you thought you'd grow old with. We understand; it hurts. Whether that loss was during elementary school or now when you're in your twenties or thirties, loss is loss.

The most challenging aspect of this common event is the loneliness that ensues. It's a transitional period when our minds need to process what just happened to our hearts.

As hard as it may seem, we must accept that it's okay not to remain friends with someone forever. Experts even argue that between the ages of 30 to 50, friendships often reach a low point.

It's not a reflection on our character, but rather a part of our growth process. As we age, we tend to have more responsibilities, requiring us to prioritize.

“We are like stove tops. Each burner represents family, friends, health, and work. If we leave all four burners on, we'll run out of gas. So, to conserve energy, we might need to switch off one or two burners.”

An elderly woman once mentioned, “We are like stove tops. Each burner represents family, friends, health, and work. If we leave all four burners on, we'll run out of gas. So, to conserve energy, we might need to switch off one or two burners.”

Balancing life is a give-and-take process; understanding this doesn't diminish the profound impact friendships have on our psychological well-being.

What exactly is loneliness?

Is loneliness what you feel when you lose someone? Incorrect. Loneliness is the distress we feel when our present connections don't match our ideal social relationships

It's largely about perspective; lonely individuals don't always lack friends. It's the inability to have meaningful friends with whom we wish to share everything, shaped largely by societal expectations.

The Reasons for Growing Apart

Often, betrayal isn't abrupt. It emerges from a growing distance that goes unnoticed until it's glaringly evident. In the book “The Relationship Cure,” John M.

Gottman and Joan DeClaire introduce the concept of "bidding." Bidding is the act of seeking emotional closeness with someone.

It can manifest through eye contact, body language, or verbal cues. In relationships, we react to these bids in three ways: accept, reject, or turn away.

When a relationship is deteriorating, it typically signifies both parties are not consistently responding positively to each other's bids.Recognizing and understanding these bids is crucial for maintaining healthy connections.

Social Creatures

Revisiting our definition of loneliness: our distress is rooted in our intrinsic nature as social creatures. What does this mean? Edoerdo Albert, from "Psychology & You" magazine, explains that as we mature, we seek bonds and security, just as we did as infants. If deprived of this, the distress parallels that of our younger selves.

Studies suggest that early life traumas might impact the security and development of our personality, although the extent of this influence on our later life remains debated.

Reconnecting after Disconnecting

The best remedy for the loss of a friend is to learn from our mistakes and alter what we can control.

The foundation of our relationships often hinges on how we communicate and understand one another. “The Relationship Cure” elaborates on bidding but also offers insights on improving our reactions to bids.

Let's explore the five stages, as outlined in "The Relationship Cure":

1. 1. Understanding the way we bid to each other:

   Bids are our attempts at establishing connections. They range from simple gestures to profound acts of seeking support.

   A positive response to a bid can be as simple as engaging in conversation, while negative reactions include dismissing or ignoring the bid.

   Recognizing and reacting positively to bids strengthens relationships, sometimes it does take one person to reach out first and ask how they can understand better.

1. 2. Examine your mind's command systems:

   These systems dictate our relational needs and priorities. Understanding both ours and our partner's systems aids conflict resolution.

1. 3. Investigate your emotional legacy:

   This legacy comprises your personal emotional history, family dynamics, and broader cultural influences.

1. 4. Refine your communication skills, emphasizing body language:

   Non-verbal cues often express more than words. Being attuned to body language minimizes misunderstandings.

1. 5. Establish emotional common ground:

   Identify shared emotions, values, or experiences. These shared spaces make relationships more resilient and understanding.

YOU before them

While the book, "The Relationship Cure," provides a roadmap to understanding and repairing relationships, the path to healing after the loss or betrayal of a friend also demands self-reflection.

The following are additional steps we can take on the journey to healing:

1. a) Acceptance and Grief:

   Before moving forward, allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship. Recognize that it's okay to feel sadness, anger, confusion, or any other emotions.

   Accept that not all relationships are meant to last forever, and sometimes, even deep connections can drift apart due to various circumstances.

1. b) Practice Self-compassion:

   Be gentle with yourself. Remember that every individual, including you, is continuously growing and learning.

   Recognize your worth and avoid blaming yourself entirely for the end of the friendship. Understanding that both parties usually play a part in the drift can help alleviate feelings of guilt or blame.

1. c) Seek Support:

   Connect with other loved ones or professionals. Sharing your feelings and getting a perspective can be therapeutic.

   Consider joining support groups or therapy sessions to navigate your emotions and understand them better.

1. d) Open Yourself to New Experiences:

   Engaging in new activities or hobbies can be a way to distract yourself, meet new people, and start building new memories.

   Remember that every ending is a new beginning. Stay open to forging new connections and friendships.

1. e) Reflect and Set Boundaries:

   Take time to analyze what went wrong in the past relationship and what you'd like to have in future friendships.

   Setting clear boundaries is essential for maintaining healthy relationships. Determine what you can tolerate and what's a deal-breaker for you in friendships.

In the journey of life, relationships will come and go. But each one teaches us something valuable, adding layers to our understanding of love, trust, and friendship.

Healing doesn't mean forgetting; it means growing, understanding, and moving forward with the wisdom gained from past experiences.